broken heart

“Girls become slutty when they get their heart broken.”

The above statement, made by one of my friends, seems to be true. But let’s look into it, and the reason why it could make sense.

I am going to come across as sexist, and strong here, but I’m doing this as not only venting, but as a warning. And no, don’t worry, friends: it’s not my current boyfriend. He’s more kind to me than I could ever ask for. But my last boyfriend? Damn, it still stings.

Girls, please, please, please heed my warning: never chose a man based on his words. Everyone can talk the talk. You know that Satan knows the Bible, right? Probably better than some Christians. Chose your boyfriend based the way he acts. Look at the way he treats his family and his friends. Deeply, too. I’m not saying just the surface, but how he really treats him. Get to know him before you let him in. Get the basics down, and decide then if you want to pursue him further.

And girls know that you deserve his attention. Remember, dating is the step before marriage. Girls, if he doesn’t pay attention to you when in the midst of other girls, and if his hobby is getting other girls’ numbers, say good-bye. Don’t do that to yourself.

I remember one day I spent hours getting ready for a dinner with him. I took hours to make my hair look beautiful, and I wore a pretty dress. I never got one compliment without prying. The dinner, I felt uncomfortable in my dress as my boyfriend talked to the girl beside him and did really nothing to make me comfortable. Then the ride home? He proceeded to stick his hand in my dress. As he walked through the door that night, he smiled and laughed and acted as if nothing ever happened. I yelled at him in the car. He wouldn’t even look at me. And then he tried to make it up with a kiss before he went inside to deceive my family and his.

I cried that night. I knew that meant he was good at acting, but you know what? I lied to myself. I justified him. I justified him. And every time he came back with another girl’s number and looked at other girls. I told myself just what he told me “just because you think someone’s pretty doesn’t mean you have feelings for them.” Or wait, was he just discussing how he felt about me? (Listen carefully to the things he says; if it could pertain to you, he could be lying to you).

And girls, if you see that he’s abusive, leave. Leave. Don’t lie to yourself. If you watch him hurt someone, don’t tell yourself that’s normal. Please don’t try to justify it. If he gets angry enough to hit his little sister over nothing, couldn’t he do the same to you? And trust me, there are guys out there that can control themselves. Their tempers, their hands. If your boyfriend doesn’t know how to control anger impulses, or sexual impulses, you need to learn how to leave. There will be other boys.

Heed my warning. Please.

If you do things to show him how much you love him and care about him, and he uses your notes and gifts to graffiti on, he’s not giving you the respect you deserve.

I know it seems unbelievable, but there are going to be boys that will treat you with respect. There are boys out there that care, and that control themselves. I found one now. But the whole time before I told myself that’s the way they were. I told myself that he acted the way he did because I was boring and that’s just what boys do. They don’t all have to do that. If that’s the extent of your relationship, that’s a true warning sign to get out.

I look back and hate the way I lied to myself throughout my broken relationship. I hate the way that I let the boy have my heart, and let him stomp it out, and in the end, I never saw that he truly hadn’t been treating me right the entire time. Two years in the future is the first time I can look back and say “Wow, he was bad to begin with. How did I not see that?” There were factors that made it harder – like my family being in love with the boy, and my friends not being too much of a help (until after).

Let me tell you something, it’s true: you become sluttier after your heart is broken. You think, when you fall in love with an abusive boy, that that’s all people will love you for and that’s all you’re worth. You are worth more than that. You are worth a lot more than, girls. Give yourself some credit, because if you don’t, no one else will.

And I know that sometimes when boys give you attention, even if you don’t have a crush on them, you think it’s harmless to flirt and it makes you feel better about yourself. I’ll tell you, you’ll end up trusting in them, and in the end you’ll find yourself in the same old boat. They’ll love you because they think that you’re so beautiful. But let me tell you, that’s about the depth of it. They say that they’ll date you and they’ll sleep with you, but the latter is all their looking for. Don’t fall for it; shut boys down. Don’t let them degrade you. Don’t let them hurt you. If their compliments make you uncomfortable, don’t let yourself continue to listen to them.

I hope everyone forgives me for the lack of beauty in these words, but I need a release. I need people to know how much in the end it hurts to be broken like this. Don’t let them hurt you, girls. I’ve cried. I’ve cut. I’ve been so depressed I could hardly wake up in the morning, and the only thing I could do was run or clean or do something that took all my focus to do so I could forget about the hurt. I pushed it aside for years, and never really had the strength to look through the entirety of the relationship. I looked through the “extreme” parts, but never the little things that happened, too. But I see now, that if I had, I could have seen that the “extreme” parts were coming. And I’m finally let myself cry for real without feeling guilty for all of the little hurts. I want to be free of the pain, and I think that by letting me feel it fully, it will be able to be released from me, for good. Don’t fall into the pressure, and become sluttier, and lower your standards because you think that’s all that’s available. Trust me, there are more available than what you think.